Posted Dec 10, 2023
{Mostly written in November}
I have to wonder this, as my focus is severely disrupted by the strength of my emotions in response to some organizational decisions that have recently been made with which I strongly disagree. I think I’m probably even less useful right now than I am when I’m sick; if anything, I’m making the day worse for others with my dark mood and attitude.
The responses I want to write are sharp, jagged things, the tips glittering, shattered edges of the glass case that once contained my final reserves of trust, patience, and goodwill.
I worry about each keystroke as I message my colleagues, worried that my electric anger will slip from my grasp and flow through the wires, up through their fingers and into their hearts and minds.
How, when I’m questioning the integrity of the entire organization, am I supposed to focus on creating value for the very folks who have created within me such rage and despair? Who have made me so jaded that I all but wish to be fired?
I could call it a “mental health day”, and it wouldn’t be so far from the truth, but it still feels disingenuous to pretend it’s my own personal mental health that’s holding me back on a day when the reality is that the organization itself has drained my life with a poison so insidious that I can no longer afford to spend a single drop of emotional energy.